Sacrifice
by Rhiannon-Jehane
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Category: pre-slash
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Deep, cleansing breaths. In. Out. In. Out.
It’s not working. Oh, man, I think I’m going to be sick.
The notes for my speech are rustling, and when I glance at them, I realize that
my hands are shaking.
Everything I’ve worked for will be gone in five minutes.
Jim thinks I’ve deceived him. I can’t believe he thinks I could actually sell
him out like that. After everything we’ve been through, his lack of trust feels
like a kick in the stomach. I have to keep reminding myself that he works from
a base of fear. He feels like I kicked him first.
He’s so much more important to me than the diss. What started out as research
turned into the best friendship I’ve ever known. And then what little
objectivity I was still clinging to went right out the window when I realized I
was in love with him.
That’s another thing... Jim’s not a stupid man. Nobody gives up their life’s
work for a friend. He’s going to realize I’m in love with him, and I
never wanted him to know. I never wanted him to be uncomfortable, or worry that
I’d make a pass at him. I know he loves me like a brother, and I can live with
that.
It would be so easy to lash out at my mother for putting all this in motion,
especially after I told her not to. But it’s my fault, too. I was stupid and
careless not to have everything password protected from the very beginning.
But blame really doesn’t matter at this point. It just has to be fixed, and it
has to be fixed right now, before anyone else gets hurt. Before any more
damage is done. Jim’s safety and privacy are more important than anything else,
including my career.
I mean, hell, it’s just a book, right?
I keep telling myself that, but in a weird sort of way, it’s him, too. It just
about kills me that I have to deny who and what he is. I was the one who kept
pushing him to accept his abilities as the gift they are, and now I’m the one
who has to stand there and tell the world it’s all bullshit. That I made it up.
The thought of publicly denying Jim’s abilities makes me feel physically ill. It
feels like I’m denying him.
I don’t know what I’m going to do after this. Rainier is going to toss me out
on my ass. Major Crimes will pull my ride-along. And even if Jim forgives me,
he probably won’t want me living with him after he figures out that my feelings
for him aren’t actually brotherly.
Deep cleansing breaths. In. Out. In. Out.
The reporters and cameramen are getting impatient. I gather every shred of
courage I have and walk quickly out to the podium before I lose my nerve.
“Hi. Uh, thank you all for coming. I just have a short speech prepared here...”
The End
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