by Castalie
He knew he was worrying Jim. He knew he was
worrying everyone. He just couldn’t do anything about it. Sometimes, he didn’t even
care. His favorite past time these days was rocking himself into a stupor. He
would just disappear from the reality he had decided not to face for the time
being. If he’d been in his right mind, he would have thought it was pretty
ironic - Jim Ellison’s Guide was practically zoning non-stop now.
Contrary to Jim’s own zone though, *Blair* decided
when it was time for him to come back. Even Jim couldn’t really do anything to
pull him back. It was not that he refused to follow his Sentinel’s voice, or that
he denied Jim the right to reach him when he was too far away. Blair just
didn’t really hear anything or see anything when he entered one of his trance-
and nothing could help.
Silence was his world now, and he didn’t know
if he would ever want to leave it behind. Silence surrounded him, it was *in*
him. If he’d been afraid of it once, now he reveled in it - feeling safe.
He let silence cover his whole being like a
warm blanket, he let it invade his mind and create a wall that would protect
him against anything. Of course, this silence didn’t allow him to interact with
the world around him, it made him a stranger even to himself and a ghost inside
his own house. It didn’t allow him any contact with Jim either, or only rarely.
But for now, Blair accepted to pay the price. Because sometimes, you just don’t
have any choice.
People around him wanted him to talk, wanted
him to speak about what had happened. They just didn’t understand. No one
seemed to understand, apart from *one* person.
But he could not do it. Not now. And maybe not
ever.
His silence was his shield.
He *needed* silence. He needed it like he
needed air, and sometimes it felt as if he needed it more than *anything* in
his life.
Why couldn’t they realize that?
If he talked, if he opened his mouth, he knew
he would scream. Scream all his rage, all his terror, all his shame and he
would never be able to stop.
Never.
Only Jim understood. He alone, knew why it was
so important to Blair. Jim was ready to wait for his lover to find his way
back. He would keep watch - always.
Blair was aware of Jim’s presence at his side.
Deep inside him, hidden in a small corner, Blair had kept his love for his
Sentinel and his faith in him, safely locked away. When he really needed Jim,
he would crawl to that corner and let himself be invaded by the souvenir of his
life with the man that he loved.
One day, maybe, just for Jim, he would come
back.
Maybe he would say his lover’s name out loud,
finally.
Maybe.
Just for Jim.
Fin
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