by Castalie
*~*~*
Sequel to “Silent
Cry”
*~*~*
I remembered when silence was my world- it
surrounded me, and for a long time, it was the only haven I had. It covered me
like a blanket, kept me warm and safe, protected me from the nightmares.
Now, it felt like silence had become a prison.
The walls I built around me to protect me from the outside world, from the
memories of that horrible day, felt like a constriction. I wanted to break
them, to open the solid door, but I wasn’t sure how to do that. I’d locked the
door so firmly, I couldn’t just push it open now, and I wasn’t sure a a key
even existed.
I remembered how it was at the beginning. I
didn’t hear anything, didn’t see anything, didn’t know anything. Only silence
existed- nothing more, and it suited me just fine. It was safe. I wasn’t happy,
nor unhappy, I just *was*... but it was enough.
I could only remember one thing from the life
outside those walls.
Jim.
I could remember him, and I could feel him
somehow. Though he seemed far away. Jim was there. He never abandoned me. He
kept watch, waiting- always.
He was behind the door now. I felt his need to
slam it open, to reach me once and for all. I know he’d been patient, waiting,
hoping I’d find my way back on my own. Maybe he was afraid I wouldn’t be able
to come back to him whole if he just snatched me away. He wanted me to free
myself. He was always by my side. I
felt his presence- strong and comforting. He always made sure I knew he was
right there, ready to catch me when I would decide to come out.
As time passed, I realized I *needed* to find a
way to open the door. I believed it was safe to leave my sanctuary. I could
distinctly hear Jim calling me now, when I just heard a voice before. He was
calling me softly, always encouraging, but never demanding. His voice soothed
me, made me want to join him so much. I remembered his hands, and his kisses. I
couldn’t have that here, and I realized I wasn’t afraid anymore. I missed him.
The walls prevented me from feeling him, or the warmth of his body. If it felt
safe before, now it was only suffocating.
Then one day, I saw Jim. Really saw him. Right
here, in front of me, behind the door. He was so beautiful. The door had
suddenly shifted, and become made of glass, allowing me to see him. The surface
was cold under my hands, but it was soothing- soft and inviting. I kept
touching it, and it felt as if I was nearer Jim already. The glass looked so
fragile... if I tried, it would give under my touch, I was sure of it. I just
needed to be strong.
I had to abandon all my fears, they held me
back. I realize it now.
JIM! Jim, please be there. I broke the glass. I
don’t know how I did it, but I broke it. It’s shattering right in front of me,
and suddenly I’m so afraid. I don’t know if I’ll be able to come to you now. I
feel... what if things have changed, what if *I*’m changed? Will you still love
me? What if I’m still too afraid to live outside, what if I’m not strong enough
after all?
You’ll catch me, Jim, right? You’ll catch me,
please catch me...
I close my eyes, and let myself fall...
***
When Blair came back to me, I was ready. In the
past weeks, I’d felt like he was calling to me somehow. I couldn’t explain it
better. I just felt it. He was different, the air around him was different,
maybe even his scent wasn’t the same either, maybe I was finally losing it-
whatever it was, I knew Blair was now ready to come back.
When he turned his head and looked at me, right
*at* me, instead of *through* me like he did during those months, I knew he was
there. He called my name in a whisper, and suddenly he was crying in my arms,
and clinging to me as if he was going to fall.
Think again, love, I wasn’t about to let you
fall. I’d been waiting for you to find your way back for so long, hoping every
day, never giving up, but always hurting- I wasn’t about to let you lose your
way again.
I promised myself that I would catch you and
keep you in my arms all night, touch you, kiss you- that’s what I was going to
do.
That’s what I’m still doing hours later. And if
I get to do it for the rest of my fucking life, it won’t be too long.
Fin
Send feedback to Castalie
Go back to Home Page