"I want them gone Blair."
Sitting curled on the couch, magazine in hand, Blair wasn't sure at first that Jim was actually speaking to him. For the last hour the detective had been immersed in making dinner, chopping vegetables, blending spices, giving the meal all his attention. After being ignored for the fifth time Blair had stopped offering to help, and instead, settled down to read until dinnertime. Now looking towards the kitchen he saw that Jim had stopped chopping and was standing motionless, knife lying laxly in his hand.
"What gone Jim? I don't know what you mean here man, give me a clue at least."
Placing the magazine to one side, Blair uncurled himself from the couch looking quickly round the loft as he moved. He couldn't see anything that Jim could object to. Jim had approved the fetishes that he'd placed on the bookcase the week before, and there was no clutter anywhere that he could see. His books were stacked neatly in his room, and no clothes were littered anywhere. To Blair's eyes there was nothing in the loft that Jim could object to at all.
Picking up a pepper Jim began to chop furiously at its flesh, dicing it into minute pieces within seconds.
"I mean these senses Sandburg, I'm sick of living my life round them. I want to be normal again, not some kind of superhero."
It was all Blair could do not to groan aloud. This conversation seemed to repeat over and over, usually prompted by some crisis that Jim suffered, either personal or work related. Ninety percent of the time Jim was content with his abilities. Yet sometimes, like today, he was reminded that he was abnormal, and the realisation laid heavy on his shoulders.
Walking towards the kitchen area Blair franticly tried to think of what to say. Jim was pointedly not looking towards Blair, concentrating on the vegetables, face set in stone. Jim looked totally unapproachable, yet Blair had to try. Grimacing as he noticed that the peppers were now the consistency of mush, Blair placed his hand on Jim's arm, stopping the frantic chopping motion.
"I think you can stop the dicing now Jim, we're having stir fry, not pepper soup." Backing off slightly at the cold look Jim threw his way, Blair was at least relieved that Jim had stopped obliterating the pepper, even if he was now standing as still as any statue. " Look...I really don't know what to say here man. Yeah I know, I know, that's a red letter day, Blair Sandburg speechless, but I just don't.
Moving his hand to Jim's chest, Blair pressed gently against the heart area, as words flooded his mind. " You're a Sentinel Jim, that's what you are. It's a gift, a wonderful gift, but also genetics. You could no more stop being a Sentinel than look like you do..."
With a deliberate movement Jim grabbed Blair's hand, pushing it away from him. "You think these senses are a gift? They may seem like that to you Sandburg, but to me they're looking more like a curse." Picking up a whole pepper Jim began to squeeze it in his hands. "You know where I was today, while you were at school? I was searching the woods for a missing kid; his mom had called him in as a missing person case yesterday. Seems little Shaun had a Robin Hood fixation, liked to play in the woods behind his house with his toy bow and arrow. He never came home last night, seven years old and lost in the woods."
Hands twitching Blair stared intently at Jim, wanting nothing more than to offer comfort with touch, but unsure how that touch would be received.
"You should have called Jim, I would have helped."
A quick smile graced Jim's face before he turned his attention back to the constantly moving pepper. "I know you would have Chief, but don't you see? I shouldn't need you to help. I've been a detective a long time, and a good one. I should be able to find a missing kid without having you as backup. Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes it's as if I didn't matter before I became a Sentinel."
Blair was stunned as he looked at Jim. Grasping the counter tightly, he hoped that the slight shake in his hands wasn't visible to the other man. He'd never realised that Jim's resentment about his senses cut so deep.
"You did matter then Jim, god you have to believe that. Don't ever think that you meant less then than now. Okay I know that I go on about Sentinels a little..." noticing the look Jim threw his way Blair gulped and changed track. "... or maybe a lot, but that doesn't mean I think less of you when your senses weren't online."
Jim's whole body seemed to unfreeze as Blair's words poured over him. Smiling a little he placed his hands over Blair's, acknowledging his gratitude with touch.
"Thanks for that Chief, it's nice to know you just don't want me because of my Sentinel abilities." Giving Blair's hands a final squeeze Jim moved away, distancing himself once again. "The thing is, it's not enough. I still want rid of these senses."
"Why Jim? Why now? What's so special today that you're so adamant that they have to go? Did something else happen that you haven't told me?"
Blair couldn't believe that Jim was being so unreasonable. He would do anything just to experience one day in Jim's world. Yet the detective seemed to think of his abilities as nothing more than a tie and a curse. "Tell me what happened, make me understand."
Jim had reverted back to his former stony self, face solemn, body language closed off.
"Yeah something else happened. Simon asked if I could search the woods for Shaun, use the 'Sentinel stuff' guess he wanted some kinda bloodhound. He wanted me to wait for you, but I told him you were busy, that I could do it alone." Pausing Jim clenched his fists, anger colouring his voice. " Dammit Sandburg, I wanted to do it alone. Wanted to prove I can still be a good cop without you, and I did, I found Shaun."
Blair felt his heart clench as Jim turned to him, pain and rage mixed in his expression.
"I found the kid all right. Know where I found him? Curled up under a tree, looked like he was sleeping, but he wasn't. You wanna know how I knew he wasn't asleep? Because I could smell him Sandburg, my fucking senses let me smell the blood from where the animals had chewed at him, and the brain matter from where his head had been split open after falling from the tree. I could even smell the beginnings of decay after he'd been lying in the sun all morning."
Reeling from the words Jim was flinging at him, Blair gulped back bile as Jim painted an all too realistic picture of the young boys place of death. Yet still Jim continued, pain rushing from him in a torrent.
"I could smell all that, and lets not forget sight. I could see the flies clustered on his body, couldn't help looking in minute detail. Then there was the way he'd held onto his bow, he'd died clutching that toy, and that's all I can see in my mind Blair. That poor kid, dead under that tree. I've tried to forget. Tried to be just a 'regular' cop, but I can't; not anymore. I walked into that wood and sensed death. I don't want that. I want to be able to skim over details, not lock them into my mind. I want to be normal again"
All anger seemed to seep from Jim with those last words. Blair watched concerned as his partner dropped onto the couch, holding his head in shaking hands. Taking the threat of rejection Blair sat on the couch also, laying a hand on Jim's bowed back.
"Jim...I wish I'd been there for you, wish that I could make this better, but I can't. You know I'd do anything for you, but I can't make your senses go away, what ever you think. They're there for good, part of you, good and bad."
Jim remained still and silent for what seemed hours. Shadows claimed the loft as Blair gave silent support to his friend while Jim grieved for a small boy and for what he himself had become. The air was thick with emotion round the two men, grief, anger, pain, helplessness, all lay heavy over the usual happiness of their home.
Willing to wait as long as Jim needed him, Blair was surprised when the body next to him moved and Jim straightened up. Giving Blair a smile, Jim seemed to hesitate before turning to look Blair in the eye.
"Thanks Blair, just for being here for me. Despite what I think I'd never change the time I've had with you...but I haven't changed my mind. I don't want these senses anymore...no don't say anything yet. I know I can't get rid of them I'm a Sentinel, you've taught me that, but I'm going to be a passive Sentinel from now on. Just because I have these senses doesn't mean I have to use them. I've had enough Chief; I hope you can understand that.
Looking at Jim, his Sentinel, his holy grail, Blair could understand. He'd always thought that being a Sentinel would be the greatest thing ever, yet he'd seen his friend brought to his knees by senses that turned on him, overloading at the slightest problem. Blair understood what Jim wanted, could see why he was doing what he was doing, and would support him totally. Yet despite looking at Jim now, sitting pale and wrung out next to him Blair knew being a Sentinel could be good too, he would just have to remind Jim of that fact...just not now.
Turning he gave Jim a quick one-handed hug, before jumping from the couch.
"Sure Jim, I understand. Now shall we see if those peppers are still edible or if we're having soup after all."
The persuading could wait, for now anyway.