It's 3AM...Do You Know Where *Your* Guide Is?



You know the story.

So, I been thinking---I´m not really very good at what I do, you know? Maybe I should just give it up, on account I just don´t seem to be able to get the hang of it. Maybe get a job at the Wonderburger?

Vinnie, that´s my cousin on my mother´s side? He says I should give it another try. ‘Cos there´s really pretty good money in it. Yeah, that´s right. I said Vinnie…as in Vinnie the cousin who´s doing ten to fifteen for grand theft auto.

Anyway, I´m standing in the parking lot of the 7-11 over near Prospect. It´s late…like 3am…and this old blue and white Chevy truck pulls in. And the guy hops out and goes inside. And he leaves the freakin´ truck running, probably cos it colder´n blazes and raining, like, cats and dogs and shit.

And he doesn´t lock it!

I mean come on! It´s a ´69 Chevy and it looks like it´s just been through one of those ‘French Connection´ car chases you see in the movies. It´s dented and banged up and dirty.

So, I figure why not? I mean the guy is gonna thank me, right?

I jump in and take off. I figure I can unload it pretty quick at Tool´s chop shop, if I tell him I know Vinnie.

So, I´m cruising along and damn if the pile of blankets next to me doesn´t start moving.

Did I mention I´m not very good at this? I shoulda looked to see if there was a passenger, right?

And then the blankets start talking for chrissake! About how some guy named Jim is driving too fast and all of a sudden I look over and the blankets got eyes, big ole eyes staring at me. I don´t see nuthin but them eyes and the ugliest Fargo hat I´ve ever seen.

He tells me I´m not Jim, like I don´t know that. He tells me I don´t wanna be doing this on accounta this Jim dude is a cop…a cop who´s had a very bad day. And who loves this big old butt ugly dinged up truck I´m stealing. He´s telling me all this from under the blankets. He shiverin´ like all get out, but I get the feeling it´s not cos he´s scared.

In fact, he tells me I´m the one who oughta be scared cos this Jim cop-dude is gonna be really pissed if anything happens to sweetheart. That´s right. He called this monsta ugly truck sweetheart.

And this blanket dude just does not shut up.

Next he tells me I´ve added kidnapping to auto stealing and he sure hopes I don´t have a gun too cos then I´ll really be in deep shit when Jim-cop catches me.

Not if…when.

And then he starts babbling about how prison really sucks. And I know this already, cos Vinnie sure don´t seem too impressed by it, ya know?

I try to tell him to shut up, but I can´t get a word in cos he´s been talking non-stop since he started.

He tells me he knows life sucks sometimes and lotsa people got it rough but there are programs that can help and I really don´t gotta do this.

And then, and this is what did it, this is the straw, the absolute fuckin´ last straw, that does it.

I mentioned straws didn´t I? And camels? Right? Get it?

He asks me how is my momma gonna feel when she´s gotta come visit me behind bars?

I pull over and get out and run away as fast as I can and I don´t look back and he´s still talking!

Tomorrow I´m goin´ over to Wonderburger.

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