New Beginnings - Part 2
by Ainm


A/N: The 2nd in my hopefully-a-series of challenge responses telling a single story. (Part one here.) Apparently POV is up for grabs in this series -- expect it to change at least between parts, and in some cases, like this one, within the part. :-) Again, kinda rough...


Old. It really makes me feel old. And tired.

Sandburg talks about embracing change, new beginnings, blah blah blah... maybe if I had the kind of emotional energy that he has, no matter what kind of shit he finds himself in, well maybe all these new beginnings might not seem so bad.

But I've had enough. Maybe I can't compete with returning from the dead, but doesn't he see how much I've gone through? It's like my life is just a matter of academic interest to him, even if he's not technically an academic anymore. But I've restarted my life too many times already, changed my tribe if I want to get Sandburgian about it -- Ellison, Rangers, Chopec, CPD... and then the unique tribe of Blair...

Thinking about it makes me feel old and tired and I just don't need any more changes, damn it. It seems like he was saying something more than just casual New Year's chat, and that... worries me. Things are good now, nothing more than the normal stresses of psychos and bombs and paperwork for Detectives Ellison and Sandburg. I like my life how it is, and I don't intend to let anything fuck that up.

Still, I wish he understood that.

And... I wish I knew why the hell he's talking about it...

Old. This is really getting old. I should know better by now... it's not like I haven't told myself a hundred times, a thousand times, that I shouldn't expect more, that I shouldn't keep setting myself up for disappointment. But I still keep doing it, keep thinking that if I just push him a little bit more, he'll, I don't know, all of a sudden buy a clue and then everything would be... perfect.

I just can't seem to stop. It's ridiculous, really, thinking that I can change the unmovable block of granite that is Jim Ellison. I have to stop. I mean, the guy actually had to stop and think about why I felt I'd been through a lot of changes since I met him. At least he was able to see my point eventually, but still, how phenomenally obtuse can someone be? I have got to stop doing this to myself.

And not just because it's futile, and that futility will just continue to eat away at me... And not even because if I did finally get him to understand what I want, he might be appalled and that might be the end of everything... but because I -- we -- already have so much. It's like not being satisfied with that lessens it somehow... or jinxes it -- and that just doesn't bear thinking about. Things are going so well right now -- oh great, let's knock obsessively on wood here -- that I should be happy. And I am. Happy, thrilled, pleased as punch...

Still, I wish he understood what I dream of.

And... I wish he shared those dreams...





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