By Aouda Fogg
Warnings: none, but clearly I'm still in an angsty kind of mood!
Notes: I'm worried that this is overly ponderous, but I was having fun having Naomi's view and then the *real* views *wg* But please, let me know if I beat the imagery to death or just plain over did it!!
This clearly was not the right time for me to come back here. Even after over a year, he is still not ready to listen; none of my words or feelings are making any difference. I can see he does not understand how this is affecting him, changing him in fundamental ways. The foundation of his spirit is being altered and I fear for him. He has moored his spirit to his . . . partner and his partner's world. I do not understand that.
I could understand being drawn to that world to observe it. Blair has always had a keen interest in the whole world and the way it works. He was curious and inquisitive from the moment he was able to pull himself up on things and explore. I never worried about leaving him alone because I knew he would be able to amuse himself and keep himself occupied. Now, however, he has crossed over into a world full of violence and malice. He shot someone today.
He took a life. I do not understand how he could've done that.
I cannot watch it consume him. I will not watch the bright, shining light that has always been my son be quenched. So, I will go away and look for ways to help him realize he is making a mistake. Then he'll come back to me, be my Blair again.
Every once in a while, I worry that encouraging him to become a cop was a mistake. That he did it because he felt he had no choice, that days like today will drain him, turn him into someone he is not, and I'll lose him forever. But then I see him out there, making a difference, and really helping people and I know that this was his decision. He is here with me because he wants to be. He is my partner. I am his.
So, on the good days I watch him glow with the knowledge that he helped someone who needed it. That glow radiates onto me; I love this job now more than ever, not only because I get to work with him, but because he's made me appreciate it in a whole new way. He has managed to really show me the good we do, and how to hold onto it so that it counters the bad.
On bad days, like this one, I hold him. Today was a very bad day; he had to shoot a kid. There was no choice. He made the right call, but that doesn't make it any easier when you're the one pulling the trigger. So I hold him. I tell him I love him. I tell him how thankful I am for him and how much he has helped me change for the better. Tonight I'll be the safe place for him to rest; he's done the same for me.
In the morning, we'll go on. We'll deal with this. I let my worries ease because I know we'll find a way to deal with this that won't change the foundation of who he is or who *we* are.
The entire time he was in the Academy, I worried that we had made a mistake, Jim and I. That we were encouraging Sandburg to take a path that was going to destroy him. It's not as if being a cop was easy even on the best of days, which today was definitely not.
Then I saw him in action. I saw him mediate, cajole, intervene, referee. He found more ways to be a cop than any other officer I'd ever seen. He really helps people. It sounds corny, but he became a light, a beacon for people. Other cops became better watching him, learning from him. Kids on the wrong path saw there were better ways. Victims got help because of him.
I'm not saying he's a paragon who solves all the worlds ills or even that he has a magic touch. Just that he's a damned fine police officer who really does make a difference.
Today, though, my doubts came back with a vengeance. Today he had to shot a perp who was little more than a child. It was a righteous shoot -- absolutely no doubt: it was the punk or the hostage he'd been holding, an assault rifle to her head.
And so I worried. I worried while the paramedics checked the bullet graze on his arm and through him making his statement back at the station. When I saw him come out of the interrogation room, however, my worries went away. I could see in his eyes that this hadn't broken him. The light was still there. It was shadowed with what he'd had to do, but I sent him home with Jim knowing that together, they'd find a way to deal with those shadows and come back stronger for it.
No, helping Blair Sandburg become a cop was definitely not a mistake.
I love this job. Even today when I had to do the very worst part of it, I still love it. I have become it; it has become me. At first I wondered if I was making a mistake. That as much as I wanted to be Jim's partner, it would alter me so much that I wouldn't be able to recognize myself.
Now, however, I know that I still know who I am. I'm still me. I am just now *also* a cop. I am a peacekeeper in the best sense of the word. The day I realized the power of that word was the day that I knew I'd been waiting to find this path all my life. When someone threatens that peace, I have to take action, even when that action is as drastic as taking a life. There was no other option, though. I know that.
At least most parts of me do.
The other parts are learning it, though.
Having Jim's arms around me, mooring me to reality, to the fact that I am loved, helps in ways I cannot describe. Lying here in our bed, he's holding me tight.
I know I can do it because he's with me, helping me, and because I love him and this job. So tonight, I'll lean on him; tonight I'll let him be my beacon and lead me through the gray bits.
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