He knew he was worrying Jim. He knew he was worrying everyone. He just couldnít do anything about it. Sometimes, he didnít even care. His favorite past time these days was rocking himself into a stupor. He would just disappear from the reality he had decided not to face for the time being. If heíd been in his right mind, he would have thought it was pretty ironic - Jim Ellisonís Guide was practically zoning non-stop now.
Contrary to Jimís own zone though, *Blair* decided when it was time for him to come back. Even Jim couldnít really do anything to pull him back. It was not that he refused to follow his Sentinelís voice, or that he denied Jim the right to reach him when he was too far away. Blair just didnít really hear anything or see anything when he entered one of his trance- and nothing could help.
Silence was his world now, and he didnít know if he would ever want to leave it behind. Silence surrounded him, it was *in* him. If heíd been afraid of it once, now he reveled in it - feeling safe.
He let silence cover his whole being like a warm blanket, he let it invade his mind and create a wall that would protect him against anything. Of course, this silence didnít allow him to interact with the world around him, it made him a stranger even to himself and a ghost inside his own house. It didnít allow him any contact with Jim either, or only rarely. But for now, Blair accepted to pay the price. Because sometimes, you just donít have any choice.
People around him wanted him to talk, wanted him to speak about what had happened. They just didnít understand. No one seemed to understand, apart from *one* person.
But he could not do it. Not now. And maybe not ever.
His silence was his shield.
He *needed* silence. He needed it like he needed air, and sometimes it felt as if he needed it more than *anything* in his life.
Why couldnít they realize that?
If he talked, if he opened his mouth, he knew he would scream. Scream all his rage, all his terror, all his shame and he would never be able to stop.
Only Jim understood. He alone, knew why it was so important to Blair. Jim was ready to wait for his lover to find his way back. He would keep watch - always.
Blair was aware of Jimís presence at his side. Deep inside him, hidden in a small corner, Blair had kept his love for his Sentinel and his faith in him, safely locked away. When he really needed Jim, he would crawl to that corner and let himself be invaded by the souvenir of his life with the man that he loved.
One day, maybe, just for Jim, he would come back.
Maybe he would say his loverís name out loud, finally.
Just for Jim.
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