The Rule Book (Appendix C: Cascade)
by Temaris (or T of TLC.)

 

 

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Possibly cheating, but this is something that resulted from a phone conversation long ago. Possibly it had something to do with the Twenty Third Annual Bad Guys Convention *g*. Still, it's never been posted, and it *is* all about my favorite villains...


Cascade is easy to get started in, and has attractive sea front views, convenient get away mountains, and a wide range of chemical, biochemical and explosive expertise and supplies readily available.

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Rules

1) Do not under any circumstances kidnap, maim, mutilate or spindle Blair Sandburg. He will survive, however inexplicably. You will not, however improbably.

2) If in doubt, an explosion always works well.

1a) That innocent looking student type ripe for mugging? Don't.

3) When getting away, always add slick to the external surfaces of your vehicle/horse/aircraft/boat. This will provide endless entertainment when Ellison attempts to catch you by jumping in hair raising fashion onto your said vehicle/etc etc.

4) Do not carry any kind of weapon. Ellison is guaranteed to drop his, and relies on YOU, the criminal, to supply a backup. Do not oblige.

5) Before planning a crime in a mountain wilderness, check with Cascade PD if anyone from Major Crimes is on holiday for any part of the period planned. Cancel everything if they are.

6) Female accomplices are your friends. Any male in Cascade will be cheerfully led by his dick to do things any sane person would quickly realise could only lead to criminal activities. This includes police officers.

6a) However, do not use this as an excuse to kidnap, maim, spindle or mutilate Blair Sandburg - see Rule #1

7) Do not rely on witness intimidation. They will not stay intimidated, particularly if you fail to observe rule #1.

8) It is perfectly safe to break into any house where Jim Ellison is staying. He will be asleep for the entire time that it will take you to kidnap him, the witnesses, the pizza boy, and strip the entire place bare. However, any breaking of Rule #1 will be at your own peril.

9) Should he wake, he will either drop his gun, or discover it is inexplicably unloaded. In either case, it is perfectly safe to shoot him, (although of course due to the well known effect of dea ex machina you will generally miss) but in no circumstances approach closely. His fighting style while bizarre is effective, largely because nobody ever believes one of those blows is going to connect until it unexpectedly does.

10) Do not leave females that you value anywhere near Sandburg or Ellison, unless they are thoroughly briefed on Setting Traps 201, as they will be bedded within 48 hours of meeting one or the other of them.

11) Just accept Rule 10 - it won't help whining about it. And under no circumstances forget Rule #1.

Temaris 2004, aka T, of TLC

 

 

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