By Ainm Fogg

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A/N: Silly but hopefully funny effort. Thanks to Misanthrope7842 for the read-through verifying that it wasn't completely stupid. :-)

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"Captain?" Rafe and Brown stopped Simon as he tried to hurry past the two men standing next to the supply closet.

"No time," he growled and tried to make his escape, but H blocked his path.

"Sir, you've got to do something!"

"Not now, gentlemen," he told them firmly, trying again to get past the detectives.

"Sir, can't you hear that?"

"No, Rafe, I can't hear that. I can't hear anything -- I have a cold."

"A cold? You don't seem sick, Captain..." Brown offered, a puzzled look on his face.

"My ears are completely blocked, I can't hear a thing." Simon looked sternly at them, but they just looked back at him with obvious confusion.

"But Captain --" Rafe began, but Simon cut him off. He leaned in toward the two men, glancing around to make sure they weren't being watched.

"Look, I can't hear anything, because I can't hear anything. You with me?" He sighed at their continued bafflement, and tried again. "If I see no evil and hear no evil, I can speak no evil, right? There are rules, gentlemen, rules that I am supposed to enforce, should I find anyone breaking them. Are you following me?"

Enlightenment began to spread over the faces of his charges.

"You wouldn't want to interfere with any of the detectives in this department, would you?" Simon looked at them with sudden menace, and H jumped in to reassure him.

"No, no sir -- I just need a new box of disks, because you've explained how important it is that I keep backups of my backups with all the craziness around here, and I really need to get into the closet!"

Rafe snorted at that choice of words.

"But I see and hear no reason why you can't do that, right, boys?" Simon made it more a statement than a question.

"But sir --"

"Look, Brown, if you have a problem, you need to talk to, ah, whoever it is that is causing you trouble. Show some initiative."

"No way, I am not saying anything, not a word! Not me!" H was rather wild-eyed at the prospect.

"Fine then. Rafe, you do it, use some of that charm. Now."

"Why me?"

"Because I'm the Captain and I say so," said Banks, in a tone well-practiced on detectives and offspring alike. "Besides, I don't want to watch H have a nervous breakdown thinking about it." With a pointed nod toward the closet door, he moved past Brown and was gone.

With a hearty sigh, Rafe stepped up to the door. With his hand raised to knock, he looked back over his shoulder at H. "You owe me one for this. And I'm closing my eyes -- I do not want to see this."

Brown just looked at him with patent disbelief.

"Shut up, H," Rafe told him, and knocked on the closet door.

Fin

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