Sequel to ďSilent CryĒ
I remembered when silence was my world- it surrounded me, and for a long time, it was the only haven I had. It covered me like a blanket, kept me warm and safe, protected me from the nightmares.
Now, it felt like silence had become a prison. The walls I built around me to protect me from the outside world, from the memories of that horrible day, felt like a constriction. I wanted to break them, to open the solid door, but I wasnít sure how to do that. Iíd locked the door so firmly, I couldnít just push it open now, and I wasnít sure a a key even existed.
I remembered how it was at the beginning. I didnít hear anything, didnít see anything, didnít know anything. Only silence existed- nothing more, and it suited me just fine. It was safe. I wasnít happy, nor unhappy, I just *was*... but it was enough.
I could only remember one thing from the life outside those walls.
I could remember him, and I could feel him somehow. Though he seemed far away. Jim was there. He never abandoned me. He kept watch, waiting- always.
He was behind the door now. I felt his need to slam it open, to reach me once and for all. I know heíd been patient, waiting, hoping Iíd find my way back on my own. Maybe he was afraid I wouldnít be able to come back to him whole if he just snatched me away. He wanted me to free myself. He was always by my side.† I felt his presence- strong and comforting. He always made sure I knew he was right there, ready to catch me when I would decide to come out.
As time passed, I realized I *needed* to find a way to open the door. I believed it was safe to leave my sanctuary. I could distinctly hear Jim calling me now, when I just heard a voice before. He was calling me softly, always encouraging, but never demanding. His voice soothed me, made me want to join him so much. I remembered his hands, and his kisses. I couldnít have that here, and I realized I wasnít afraid anymore. I missed him. The walls prevented me from feeling him, or the warmth of his body. If it felt safe before, now it was only suffocating.
Then one day, I saw Jim. Really saw him. Right here, in front of me, behind the door. He was so beautiful. The door had suddenly shifted, and become made of glass, allowing me to see him. The surface was cold under my hands, but it was soothing- soft and inviting. I kept touching it, and it felt as if I was nearer Jim already. The glass looked so fragile... if I tried, it would give under my touch, I was sure of it. I just needed to be strong.
I had to abandon all my fears, they held me back. I realize it now.
JIM! Jim, please be there. I broke the glass. I donít know how I did it, but I broke it. Itís shattering right in front of me, and suddenly Iím so afraid. I donít know if Iíll be able to come to you now. I feel... what if things have changed, what if *I*ím changed? Will you still love me? What if Iím still too afraid to live outside, what if Iím not strong enough after all?
Youíll catch me, Jim, right? Youíll catch me, please catch me...
I close my eyes, and let myself fall...
When Blair came back to me, I was ready. In the past weeks, Iíd felt like he was calling to me somehow. I couldnít explain it better. I just felt it. He was different, the air around him was different, maybe even his scent wasnít the same either, maybe I was finally losing it- whatever it was, I knew Blair was now ready to come back.
When he turned his head and looked at me, right *at* me, instead of *through* me like he did during those months, I knew he was there. He called my name in a whisper, and suddenly he was crying in my arms, and clinging to me as if he was going to fall.
Think again, love, I wasnít about to let you fall. Iíd been waiting for you to find your way back for so long, hoping every day, never giving up, but always hurting- I wasnít about to let you lose your way again.
I promised myself that I would catch you and keep you in my arms all night, touch you, kiss you- thatís what I was going to do.
Thatís what Iím still doing hours later. And if I get to do it for the rest of my fucking life, it wonít be too long.
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