I'm Not

By Castalie

I´m not gay.

Never was, never will be.

That is not what I am. Fucking men doesn´t make you gay. An ass is an ass. Women, men, what´s the difference? Sometimes I´ve got an itch, and yeah, I like to do guys too. That isn´t being gay. I don´t intend on taking it up the ass for one thing, and I can´t imagine myself being committed to a guy.

I know what kind of lives they face. I see the reactions, the whispers, the hatred. I heard it all in the military, I saw it all in Vice. And things aren´t so different in Major Crimes. I won´t ever be one of *them*.

I thought he understood. I thought he´d come to terms with it. I would fuck him, but it would never change anything. Blair is gay, and I don´t care, really. He can´t help it if he´s that way. He´s still my best friend. He´s still my Guide. And yeah, he´s fucking gorgeous too. He has the mouth of an angel and an ass to die for.

He also knows what to do with that hot body of his. I can admit that he makes my senses sing, in more ways than one. I´m not denying he turns me on like few people ever have, and I can´t get enough of being buried balls deep in him. But so what?

I´m looking at him, and he´s sitting on the couch. I know he´s trying to decide where he´s going to sleep tonight. I can see him trying to decide what´s good for him.

I know what he thinks. More precisely, I know what he's trying to make himself believe. He's telling himself that I do love him, in my own way, that I can be good to him, outside but also *inside* the bedroom, even though, so far, he hasn´t really seen it. He´s trying to tell himself it may be a Sentinel/Guide thing- I'm not really myself when I get like this, it's not really *me* doing this to him. He tells himself that I can't really like it like that, rough and violent all the time, but that I *need* to do it this way for now, so I can leave my doubts and my fears behind. I need to claim him, to prove to myself he´s really here, with me. I´m a possessive son of a bitch, so he´s not so far off base, in a way.

But I also know that, deep inside, he doesn't believe a word. So, that's when he tries to tell himself he *does* like it rough after all- he doesn't need me being slow, or tender, or even remotely loving, because he's a guy, and guys don't really care or need tenderness or love, right? He's trying to persuade himself that it doesn't really hurt him- physically or mentally. And I know that´s not true either. It hurts him so deeply each time. His expectations are always shattered. I know that. But it´s his fault.

Why doesn´t he understand? I´m just fucking him. I never pretended otherwise. I´m not gay. I don´t love men. I don´t love him. Not *that* way. Nor will I ever. I don´t really want to hurt him, I just want him to understand, that´s all.

I´m not gay.

I´m not.

And I don´t love him…

So why do I feel like he´s going to shatter something in *me* if he decides to desert my bed tonight?


Send feedback to Castalie

Go to Back